Be sad when that person or thing goes, but resist the temptation to fight against that reality. Accept that it had its time and place in your life, but that it was never going to last. And when something doesn’t go to plan, look to see what went wrong and how you might adjust your approach the next time to improve the chances of the thing going as it should.
It’s important to let yourself feel so that you can figure out what the event means to you. Don’t be tempted to make any important decisions at this point or even to take action on your feelings. It may be a few hours or a few days before you reach a calmer state of mind; when you do, only then should you act. You also equip yourself to have better relationships, make better decisions, and more confidently pursue your aspirations.
“It may sound cliche, but practicing gratitude truly does help shift our mindset from focusing on the negative to appreciating the positive,” Beaupre says. She suggests taking time each day to reflect on things that went well or to acknowledge things pinterest.com you are grateful for. “This will help remind you that there is still good in your life, even when faced with disappointments,” Beaupre explains. “Life’s everyday disappointments—missed plans, and personal setbacks—are inevitable,” says Kushnir. But there are ways of managing them, which can include some of the following strategies. Disappointment comes in many forms and is an inevitable part of life.
- A mental health professional will talk you through your feelings and help you learn how to handle them.
- It means you should avoid internalizing the cause of the disappointment.
- The expectation that life be amazing can lead to discontent.
Often, our disappointments in relationships stem from unrealistic expectations of how our partner should be or what our relationships should look like. “Recognize that no partner is perfect, and sometimes, disappointment is a reflection of unmet or unrealistic expectations,” Kushnir suggests. Being mindful of your expectations—and adjusting them when needed—can reduce tension and improve overall connection, she adds. But having a plan for dealing with your disappointment is key as well.
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Write down your answers in a notebook, on your laptop or a smart phone. This will help you to start focusing on the positive things about yourself and to stop being so self-critical. When I’m in this place myself I usually try to come up with at least the start for a small action-plan for how to go forward. I do that together with someone – like for example my wife – or on my own.
However, it’s not something that you should let linger and fester for too long, and we don’t want disappointment to become our identity. One of the best ways to manage disappointment is to start by naming it. “By naming our disappointments, we allow ourselves to look into ourselves for the source of those feelings, which is actually how one starts to heal,” Crowe says. Of course, in addition to being disappointed in other people or in circumstances and things, we can also experience disappointment in ourselves. This can happen when we fail to meet our own standards or goals, which can make us feel self-doubt and low self-esteem.
Getting what you want often means moving out of your comfort zone and tolerating loss, risk, and uncertainty. The 21st century presents us with new realities, including less job creation and more competition for entry into the best colleges. There are no guarantees, and you may need to take alternative routes to your goals. It may take months or years to get the job you really want or earn the salary you think you deserve. Also, even the best relationships have their down moments and even your “soul mate” has his flaws. We have our first lessons on managing disappointment as children.
Take some time to explore what is happening for you around this event – what it means to you and what it has taught you about life. Talking to a therapist, someone who really listens and has your best interests at heart, is useful. It can help you recover, reevaluate, gain insight and clarity that will surprise you and make you feel better. So may of us are all too ready to attribute negative life events to our own personal failings. We say that we deserved it, or attracted it to ourselves or were not “good enough” to have a different outcome.
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By acknowledging your feelings, you give yourself the space to process them. Take a moment to sit with your emotions without judgment. You can journal, talk to a trusted friend, or simply give yourself time to reflect on what you’re feeling and why.
Mark your calendar a month after the disappointing event and journal about your feelings—often you’ll see more progress than you realized. Self-compassion means treating yourself with the same understanding and patience you’d offer a good friend. The risk in failing to manage disappointment is chronic stress, anxiety, worry, depression, and more. Disappointment can sap your willingness to act, sap your motivation, self-esteem, and hurt relationships. Improving my self-esteem has helped me to avoid getting dragged down too far into self-criticism and negative emotions after a disappointment.
Managing our disappointments helps us in the short term by tempering the initial sting of an unpleasant outcome. And it helps in the long run by showing that avoiding disappointment shouldn’t deter us from seeking change and opportunity. When you focus on what a particular outcome can teach you about who you are or how to do something, the disappointment you feel will be less intense. Yes, you’ll still experience it, but it won’t last as long before your mind begins to look for the lesson in it.
This disparity between the person’s hopes and the outcome of the relationship is so great that the disappointment will be huge. But our predictions don’t have to revolve around very precise outcomes like a sports game. They can be about how we might feel about something, the experience we might have, or the relationships we share with others. Here, predictions are far more unreliable, and so our expectations are more likely to be wrong. Additionally, external influences such as social media can distort our perception of what’s achievable. Comparing ourselves to others who appear to have everything figured out can exacerbate feelings of disappointment.
You already know you’re capable of X amount of sales, so having it officially confirmed is not exciting. Or how about a person who kisses someone other than their partner and then feels immediate and immense shame about their actions. They will be disappointed in themselves because they never believed that they were capable of betraying someone’s trust in that way. If, however, this person was on the same wavelength as their date, and didn’t really see the relationship going anywhere, they wouldn’t have felt much disappointment at all. If, however, her team are big favorites, she may believe a win is in the bag. Should her team lose, her disappointment will impact her a great deal because the reality of the outcome was so much worse than her expectations.
A trained psychotherapist can provide both support and expertise, while friends and family can reassure you of your worth and ability to succeed, or provide material or practical help. With patience, grit, and self-compassion, you can get back on track to build the life you want. The gap between how you wanted things to turn out and how they actually did can lead to sadness and regret. Take time to connect with your feelings in a compassionate way. Writing down your feelings or talking to a trusted friend can help.
Conversely, sloshing in what could have been or what ought to be won’t allow us to live a life with purpose, nor will it help us remember what life is worth living for. No human being is perfect, so no relationship is perfect either. In fact, researchers estimate that 70% of the problems couples experience can’t be “solved”.
Recognize and accept your feelings, analyze and learn from the experience, and take steps to move forward—all while giving yourself the time, understanding, and compassion to recover. By focusing on what you can change, learning from setbacks, and seeking support when needed, disappointment can become a stepping stone for personal growth. Whether it stems from personal relationships, professional setbacks, or unmet expectations, everyone faces moments when reality doesn’t align with their hopes. Although disappointment can feel overwhelming, it also offers an opportunity to grow and develop emotional resilience. With the right help and expertise, you can find ways to make disappointing events feel less daunting.
In that way, we can accurately evaluate our reasons and motivations without the influence of hindsight bias.
Self-compassion is a critical component of healing from disappointment. It involves treating yourself with the same kindness, understanding, and care that you would offer a friend in a similar situation. Instead of self-criticism, acknowledge your feelings without judgment and recognize that experiencing disappointment is a universal human experience. Practicing mindfulness and relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing or meditation, can help to calm the mind and reduce the intensity of negative emotions.
